This, I believe.

Violence against women continues to be a reoccurring issue that is left in the back burner. These issues, such as domestic violence, do not only consist of physical abuse but of the mental abuse that coexists with it. I believe a woman’s character should not be defined if she falls a victim of Domestic Violence. 

Growing up I remember watching television talk shows that consisted of family trials and constant fighting. I always told myself, “How can they stick around to that abuse?” or positively think, “That would never be me”. Truth is, one does not wake up and suddenly wish to be in an unhealthy relationship. It is an evolving black cloud that surfaces. 

After my father’s death, I longed to find a way to fill in the void of a masculine figure in my life.  Getting into my first relationship, I hoped for it to be the sanctuary that would make my depression ease away. However, as the years passed, I soon realized I was in a relationship where I felt enslaved to my partner’s expectations. I could not dress a certain way, speak to anyone, or even voice my opinions. I was constantly told that I was worthless, ugly, and incapable of finding love from another. I heard these words over and over in my head; they were engraved onto me. Soon enough I began to believe them. I allowed my mind to be eclipsed by these hateful words and I lost all the love and hope I had for myself. 

The mental abuse soon escalated to physical. I constantly covered up the bruises to avoid my family asking me questions. I knew my situation was horrid, but I lived in fear of being judged for allowing myself to be treated poorly. I felt alone and isolated because I was convinced domestic violence could not be easily understood unless you’ve experienced it yourself. 

I was finally able to find the courage to tell my mother of the constant battle I was suffering for many years. I soon realized how important it is to bring awareness of the toll domestic violence plays in a woman’s life. It is not just physical, it is the constant feeling of being trapped and consumed inside these thoughts that have been forcefully implanted in your mind. 

I always felt humiliated to accept that in my life I was once that girl on the television screen that I carelessly judged without understanding. That same girl I refused to ever be, yet there I was, in the mist of living a nightmare which felt never-ending. I believe an individual should take the time to listen to a victim and to understand the severity of the mental consumption which keeps a woman trapped in unhealthy relationships. Anyone can be a victim of violence: a mother, daughter, a teacher, student. It is not a choice to live a life full of fear, but a mental trap that takes time to get out of.  I believe my past experiences of domestic violence does not define me, nor does it define those who are currently absorbed, but they should be taken to consideration and understood.

Life is Tough but so am I

A few months ago I was in a major funk due to the fact of not feeling as fortunate as others. I assumed everyone’s life was better than mine because of the way they portray themselves through posts. I completely neglected the few things in my life I have been successful in and overall my negative thoughts took over the way I felt about myself.

My wonderful friend Tracie let me borrow one of her books, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, by Mark Manson, and it honestly knocked some sense into me. It helped me interpret my life in a different way:

When you stop and really think about it, conventional life advice – all positive and happy self-help stuff we hear all the time- is usually fixating on what you lack. It lasers in on what you perceive your personal shortcomings and failures to already be, and then emphasizes them for you. You learn about the best ways to make money because you feel you don’t have enough money already. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat affirmations saying that you’re beautiful because you feel as if you’re not beautiful already.

To my interpretation, Manson is implying that we fixate and invest too much time on trying to be better because we are not satisfied with the people that we are. However, I am not suggesting for others not to pursue a brighter future, but I am stating that an individual should not pressure themselves to change in order to fit into what society portrays to be “beautiful” or ” successful”.

I was constantly discrediting myself from all the hardships I have ever overcame. I was throwing myself into the shadows because I was not like these other individuals who “have better lives” than me.  Through time, I concluded I was not going to go anywhere by viewing life through the successes of others. I only have one life, and I am going to live it the way it makes me the happiest. All the milestones I will overcome and have overcame are not the same as others. So, why should I expect to be living the same life as them?

I am strong. I am intelligent, and so are you. We all have our own footsteps in the sand that cannot be synchronized by another. MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND CREATE A MASTERPIECE.

Tears for Fears

If you guessed that my title was inspired by the 80’s “pop rock band”, then you have guessed correctly. If you haven’t heard of them, I definitely suggest you listen to them. (After reading my blog of course).

However, don’t let my title distract you from the true concept of this post…

I am very guilty of believing that crying once made me a weak individual. I was highly convinced tears were a sign of losing. I preferred to be seen as a senseless person instead of an emotional one.  I absolutely refused to allow others watch me cry. I used to always wait for an issue to lure away before I could speak of it. Over time, I realized this constant behavior was extremely unhealthy.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad.

We often discourage ourselves from allowing our souls to cleanse from emotions we interpret are “bad” to feel. For example, a heart break. We must remind ourselves that it is OKAY to cry.  It is okay to feel as if our world is crashing behind us… for our hearts to feel as if they have reached the bottom of the ocean; and to feel that awful lump in our throat when we speak. It isn’t a thrill to be sad, but it should also remind us that we are humans filled with an infinite amount of emotion. The first step to heal is to come into terms with an issue. We find it difficult to let go of people, places, and things that don’t serve us anymore; but some things are just inevitable from hurting us. We sometimes become too selfless and our ability to care for ourselves disappears into the mist of catering to other’s emotions. Remember, your individuality is IMPORTANT. Once the issue is surfaced, one should mourn. Take a couple days to cry. Maybe even grab that bucket of ice-cream and devour it in less than an hour. (If your’e lactose, there’s even vegan options now!) Whatever it takes, just as long as you allow yourself to accept your emotions and acknowledge them. Don’t neglect them, bottled up emotions lead to more pain.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

However, while you are mourning, always tell yourself: THINGS WILL GET BETTER.  We sometimes have to go through our own interpretation of hell in order to reach our blissful heaven. We wouldn’t be able to truly appreciate the good times if we never encounter a few bumps on the road. Certain situations feel impossible to move forward from, but stay positive! We have so much potential yet we fail to see how strong we truly are when we put our minds and bodies in sync with ambition. I cannot begin to fathom how truly powerful we are as individuals. Emotions can be hellish (especially when you’re all alone listening to Drake’s, “Marvin’s Room). Nonetheless, interpret these emotions as a step to grow. Avoiding the fact that you are hurt, sad, mad, etc. will only backfire. Live a little, not all moments in our life will be filled with joy. We only have one life; therefore, we should make the best of it. Crying doesn’t make us weak, it only reminds us that we feel… and we shouldn’t blame ourselves for being compassionate beings.

So, cry a little. Tomorrow is a better day.

Growing Slowly but Surely

“The mind is everything; what you think you become.”

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I saved this onto my archive on the 5th week of Fall Semester and never got the chance to complete the post. I am so happy to see how much I have grown these past few months after struggling and trying to accept who I am. I put my time and dedication to school and I am so humble to have this opportunity to expand my knowledge:

“I went back to school in August and let me tell you! It sure has been hellish trying to adjust to all the changes. For those of you who are curious, I am an English major so all my classes consist of a large variety of Literature. I am going on my fifth week of school, and I am slowly beginning to adjust to the whole notion. However, I can’t help but feel as if I am not good enough. I keep on comparing myself to others and I feel as if I am not intelligent enough.”

I am headed towards finals now (actually I am completely finished with this semester), and my confidence towards my studies has drastically improved. Although I am still very insecure of my writing; I have managed to accept constructive criticism and grow from it. Words cannot begin to justify the massive amount of knowledge I have gained these past tedious months. It almost hurt a little coming to an understanding of how ignorant I am about certain topics. But, hey! there is always room to grow.

Anyways, for this particular blog post I wanted to focus on how important it is to believe in yourself in anything you are passionate about. It is normal to feel afraid, although the thought of failing is such a scary concept to even think of, it is essential to put an effort in whatever you believe in. If you don’t try, then you will never know. The only person who is capable of stopping you from staying committed to your short and long term goals, is yourself. Time flies and it does not wait for anyone.

So if you want to teach, TEACH. If you want to dance, DANCE. If you want the girl, GO GET THE GIRL. Believe in yourself, or nobody else will!

 

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Just some small advice from a fellow friend, whom is growing in this journey, we call life 🙂

Time.

 

Time is a funny thing to me. We sometimes want it to pass by quickly, but when it does, we nag about where it all went. I remember when my daughter was a newborn, I wanted her to walk. I wanted her to talk already. I wanted everything so quickly. They always say be careful what you wish for and it is true. She is growing so fast now. I just want her to pause a little, so she can give me more time to become a better person. So I can find my niche in life and to be able to succeed a little more for her.

Time doesn’t stop for anyone. One day you’re walking into the market buying pampers, the next day you’re watching your child compete in a track meet. I always envisioned parenthood as a sensei/grasshopper scenario. Truth is, parenthood is packed with lessons that consist of being taught by either the child or the parent.

Embry Ann is and will forever be my hero. I have reached dark times in my life in which I felt I would never get out of; but somehow this little, assertive, courageous girl managed to help me get through it all. I have lost hope in myself plenty of times when it comes to certain aspects of my life. However, giving up on myself is one thing, but giving up on her is another. I figured if I didn’t have motivation for myself then I would live for her and succeed for her.

Embry Ann has taught me that it is okay to fail. It is okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from them. I never thought it was possible to smile on my darkest days, until I had her. I thank her for making me the person I am today and for helping me overcome many milestones.

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I am not certainly sure if Embry Ann will ever get the chance to see all my writing when she is older. If for some reason she comes across this post:

Thank you for being such a genuine individual and for loving me. I may not be the easiest person to deal with but love is real and it pushes you to do many amazing things. I hope I make you as proud as you make me. I love you Pocoyo, to the moon. 

Breaking the ice.

For starters, I would like to introduce myself:

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My name is Bonnie and I have always enjoyed reading. My love for reading soon turned into my love for writing and so forth. I have a six year old daughter (she’s actually turning 7 this weekend, time flies!!!!) and she means the world to me. She actually kind of makes me want to pull my hair out, but I strongly believe it is a mutual feeling. I am very sarcastic, witty, and just an overall AWESOME person (did you catch the sarcasm in that?). I enjoy singing and dancing regardless of the fact that I am terrible at both. I can be a homebody some days but a party animal most days (har har har).

Once upon a time I used to really care of what others thought of me, but as time flies, I soon realize that I am only getting older so I am going to do whatever makes me happy. I always jokingly say I am almost 30, but I am just six years away and in my mind it feels like I’ll be turning thirty, flirty, and thriving tomorrow.

I am an English major and hope to be an educator some day. I am currently in my own pursuit of happiness, but who isn’t? I have set long-term and short-term goals for myself, in which I hope to conquer.

I would overall just like to say that I am a down to earth person and love my cat very much.

Welcome!

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

Hi! Hello! Hellirrr!

The first time I launched my blog was over a year ago. I had recently moved to Texas and tried my best to settle in. Miraculously, I was able to make the best of it but I always knew there was no place like California.

I have recently moved back and it feels great! I have been contemplating whether or not to start up my blog again but several things held me back. One being, I grew very insecure with my writing. To top it off, I had MAJOR MAJOR writer’s block. I felt like I was being very redundant and I began to bore myself.

BUT ANYWAYS, I am back in hopes to keep this one for as long as I can.  I figured it could be a great way to expand my writing techniques and be able to interact with other writers as well. I intend to keep my blog as simple as possible because I am not quite creative. However, I do plan to talk about different topics.

So, I hope you enjoy and welcome to my blog 🙂